It's all your fault.

Yes! Hello! Hello! I'm back! You didn't miss me? Great :D

It's been 3 whole months.. Whoa, 3 months. That's a pretty long time. And they've been pretty shit. But, here is the first change. I am fucking happy. I don't just mean a little, I mean on top of the fucking world! When I left you 3 months ago, I was amidst a mental breakdown, triggered by the lovely Daniel Partridge, I had pushed away the wonderful Kyle Riley and I was basically fucked up :D. But that has all changed, I worked through it and I'm in a good place right now.

You see the reason I mentioned Dan, is he is guy number 2 mentioned below, but I'm not gonna censor him now because if I make him feel guilty enough, I can get nice things xD. Nah he's lovely and I don't blame him for what happened because it really wasn't directly his fault blah de blah de blah... And he's my best friend.

But right now, I am totally in love with the guy of my dreams! Though I'm not saying who 'cos I'm not that brash... He's just utterly perfect and I'm sorry if I put him in a bad position the past few days.. I really am, but I'm going to make it up to you, I promise :D

6 days ago now.. Coming up for 7 as I write this.. I had my first road trip.. Woooooo, went to Chelmsford with my main man Sophie via Burger King for my double whopper breakfast and Tesco's to buy her a 'reference drawing book' *cough* porn mag *cough* and then on to Chelmsford where we managed to spend fuck loads of money on nothing at all.. I bought P!nk's newest CD and she got some anchor ear rings from Topshop. We also saw Sherlock Holmes, I still have my ticket to signify the importance of the day.. It was fucking great but missed the end so I need to see it again to understand.

On the subject of Sophie, we're off to Download Festival! Yes, on the 11th of June, with the addition of Rosie and Dan, we're heading north to Donington Park Raceway for the best weekend of our lives quite frankly.. Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll! Okay maybe no sex... But alcohol and music, YEAH!

What else has happened... Hmmm... New Years Eve - nothing, Christmas - nothing of note... OH YAH, I passed my driving test (Told you I'd beat you)! With 10 minors which isn't great but it's a pass none the less, so now I practically live in Henry (the Ka.. I know, gay car... enough already).

Yeah I think that's enough now, I cba to type out else.

~finished.

The Dark.

None of the following is my own words.. I recently read them in a book and I think they're very poignant...

The dark is generous.
It's first gift is concealment: our true faces lie in the dark beneath our skins, our true hearts remain shadowed deeper still. But the greatest concealment lies not in protecting our secret truths, but in hiding us from the truths of others.
The dark protects us from what we dare not know.
It's second gift is comforting illusion: the ease of gentle dreams in night's embrace, the beauty that imagination brings to what would repel in day's harsh light. But the greatest of it's comforts is the illusion that the dark is temporary: that every night brings a new day. Because it is the day that is temporary.

Day is the illusion.

It's third gift is the light itself: as days are defined by the nights that divide them, as stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel, the dark embraces the light, and brings it forth from the centre of its own self.
Which each victory of the light it is the dark that wins.

The dark is generous, and it is patient.
It is the dark that seeds cruelty into justice, that drips contempt into compassion, that poisons love with grains of doubt. The dark can be patient, because the slightest drop of rain will cause those seeds to sprout.The rain will come, and the seeds will sprout, for the dark is the soil in which they grow, and it is the clouds above them, and it waits behind the star that gives them light.
The dark's patience is infinite.

Eventually even stars burn out.

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins.

It always wins because it is everywhere.

It is in the wood that burns in your hearth, and in the kettle on the fire; it is under your chair and under your table and under the sheets on your bed. Walk in the midday sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet.
The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins - but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle.
Love can ignite the stars.

~finished.



Side Note
At the request of a rather amourous friend I have been asked to share with you some information for public sex. Take a plastic bag so you don't get dirty knees and have a packet of chewing gum as to remove unpleasant smells from your breath... So when you get home your Dad doesn't instantly know what a productive afternoon you've been having.

Two birds, one stone.

Okay last weekend was bad. I fucked up, I shouldn't have told people things because then I'd still be able to talk to them without feeling like I've done something wrong. I also pushed away the person I needed most at the time but I realised my mistake and it's all sorted now. There's my advice for the day;

Don't push away the person you need when you need them most.

Seem's pretty obvious I know but even still, I feel I should tell you because I messed up easy enough. Good things happened though.. I had a completely unexpected heart to heart with someone close to me and I feel a lot better for it, a lot of questions were answered and I feel I can close a sore spot on my life now. I was being completely unreasonable in blaming myself and that nothing I could've done would have made any difference. So yeahh.. A glimmer of hope in an otherwise drab weekend. I hope things get back to normal.

~finished.

But it's the only thing that I have.

Odd day. Don't know what to make of it. Something good has come from something inherently bad.
Well, I was coming back from a morning at work (having met the new girl Jess, she's nice, I like her) when my moped conked out coming past the Norman Warrior... Having pushed it to the top of Snape Drive, I got pissed off and left it there for Dad to pick up later.. So we walked it back and filled it with oil but we think it's the Spark Plug because there's basically nothing left - It's a Sunday so no where is open to buy a new one, so I'll have to pop to Halfords in t'morning.
That's not the point of the blog though. I've had a lot of time on my hands in between to think about Dan's words;

"Nobody's perfect. If you
were perfect you would be
boring. You can't be
perfect for everyone
anyway, because
perfection is subjective.
You don't like someone
for being perfect. You like
them for who they are,
and you are willing to look
past their imperfections."

He's right. Do I do what I do to myself because I want to be perfect for them or for me? I think the answer is both, but only in the short term. If I detach myself and look on the grand scale of things, it's for them. I starve myself to reach my limitless perfection, I can never reach it, and that's why I get so worked up, because the illusion is here and I'm stuck with it. But it's because I feel that if I reach my own perfection then more guys will like me. His words make me realise that I don't need to be perfect to get anyone, I just need to learn to shatter my skewed perceptions of myself and then I can be liked, because I'm pushing people away. At least I think that's the conclusion I came to... It's a work in progress.

~finished.

I tried to be perfect...

Okay, so today has been a pretty shit day.
Actually, a very shit day.
But I've got things sorted in my head. With a little help from a couple of people. I think they've been pretty positive discoveries tbh, I just wish they had happened sooner. One of the guys was a misunderstanding but he didn't know how to say no... At least that's the impression I got, he thought I wanted something serious but I don't really.. As I've stated before in my first post ("Not wanting commitment"). Guy number 2 was a better outcome, I now know where I stand... Though not sure where that puts me. I don't need to inquire about guy number 3, I value him too much - he is what he is to me, a great help. And I've known where I've been standing with "Edgar" all along, he'll know who it is if he reads this, he shouldn't doubt things I've said though.
So yeah, I don't mean to come across as some sort of using twat, listing these guys, but they all mean a lot to me, I just had to decide what it was they meant.
Which I've now done (:

I just want to thank number 2 though... I mean it. He really helped me today, he made me see that I don't have to be perfect because if people like me then they look through the flaws - Even if they're just flaws that exist in my head... Which he seemed to think was most of them. Yeahh.. Thankyou, so much. You know who you are if you read it.

~finished.

A continuation on before...

Okay, I figured I should elaborate a little bit...
4 guys.
3 are too far away.
Unsure on the feelings of 2.
The remaining guy is very hard to get hold of indeed.

Worst bit is not knowing how to ask any of them :L
1 I'm pretty sure is a no go though...

Oh well.

~finished.

It sounded like an accident.

I did this to myself.
Feelings confuse me.
I don't like them.

~finished.

i.d.g.a.f.

I don't know. People confuse me. I hate how one thing can mean another, and when people drop hints and change plans.. It's just like.. Why can't we be deadly clear on what we want and tell the people it concerns. I know someone might read this and think I mean them but I don't, in all honesty :P

Women are the worst for these things... But guys do it too, I've noticed that it seems to happen more recently... Guys I used to like, I like again because situations change and everything is up in the air at home and I want it to come down... Prefferably safely and happily as opposed to a crash landing...

Yeahh.. Brief one today.

~finished.

September.

Unlike many of you, I'm glad it's September. It's the beginning of the end of the life as I know it. September begins the death of the year - The trees begin to go golden, the weather begins to cloud over but it's still occassionally warm enough to go outside and live. It's also the beginning of the last year of school. I've been doing this for.. 12 years already, and so I'm a little nervous because as far as I can remember there has been school, next year it's university... A whole different ball game. But even so, I can't wait to get there, to begin again, independantly.

Being at school also provides distractions, with my friends group somewhere between tattered to utterly destroyed, it's a chance to meet new people. I can get the summer weight back off, I can laugh, I can sing, I can be comfortable instead. With time to myself, not at home all the time. At least it's constructive. I dunno, what do you think? September - Good or Bad?

~finished.

Myth busteddddd.

So here I am.. In my living room, which is quite a rare occurance because I don't like but SKY Multiroom is being a bitch. I find myself watching the first episode of the NEW SERIES of Mythbusters. And it's LOLS. They've tried to break out of a prison cell with nothing but dental floss, and now they have strapped Jamie to the top of a car to see if he can hold on when the car is swerving around. Anyway that is irrevelant because quite frankly, isn't this just the best job in the world? I HAVE to become a Mythbuster, stuff Uni, I want to do THAT. I know that's not gonna happen but still. Wow.

~finished.